High n' Dry Podcast

Navigating the Storytelling of Zack Snyder's "Rebel Moon": High n' Dry #71

• Ryan Baron North and James Crosslin • Episode 2

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Have you ever wondered how Zack Snyder's "Rebel Moon" measures up in an era brimming with space sagas? Let's unravel this celestial tapestry together, navigating a podcast where the drinks flow as freely as "Rebel Moon's" garbage storytelling. With a Jack Daniels in one hand and a laser sword, one we only turn on when the fight is almost over, in the other, we traverse the visual grandeur reminiscent of Snyder's "300" days, while confronting the narrative turbulence that has Snyder fanboys up in arms defending their messiah.

Strap in for a starship ride of opinionated banter as we dissect the film's contentious storytelling elements. The inclusion of multiple sexual assault events as a narrative catalyst and the heavy reliance on exposition spark a fiery dialogue that's as potent as our weed. Michiel Huisman's "screen charm" isn't lost on us either, as we debate his contribution to Snyder's universe and the punchable-ness of his face.

As we hurtle through the podcast cosmos, we don't just stop at Snyder's world; we envision our own 'what ifs' for "Rebel Moon." Imagine a movie that keeps you guessing until the final credits, a story where the robot's personal journey would have rightfully stolen the show. So, if you've ever craved a podcast that discusses storytelling with as much passion as a cinephile in a midnight release queue, you've found your tribe. Join us, the High n' Dry crew, for a conversation that's equal parts critique and inebriated bantering.

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James:

about the way the book is, though it's not surprising, because the book is just like a ton of exposition. Yeah, yeah. So I mean, what were they?

Ryan:

going to do? What were they going to do? Yeah, but when you? That's not even a movie we're on today. Oh yeah, welcome to High and Dry podcast, the only podcast keeping alive the fandom of Dr Quinn medicine woman. Keeping that going right here.

James:

I watched Dr Quinn a lot with my grandparents.

Ryan:

How big Dr Quinn fan, and that's why that's why I first reached out to you was to get that sort of insight on this show. So everyone, welcome to the show, the, our podcast. We're going to talk about things pop culture, historical, little philosophy and what makes us so special is that we're going to do it really drunk and really high. So let's jump right on into it. James, what are you smoking this week?

James:

Oh yeah, this week I've got, I've got a nice flower called cereal milk. Okay, all right, all right Like the like the milk that's left behind after you have a bowl of cereal. It is concentrated euphoria. It's very good.

Ryan:

Interesting. I'm excited to see how that plays out with today's episode. I'll be joining you. I just the last episode. I brought out my weekend poor. I couldn't bring out a weekend poor for for that hot piece of garbage we just watched.

James:

So it's got to be something that makes you angry. Did you get tequila?

Ryan:

No, I got old number seven, jack Daniels. Great, yeah, yeah. So if you're watching this, show you I don't think I need to explain the subtle notes Jack Daniels, old number seven. So you know, it's your gas station whiskey gets the job done through the week, and that's what we're going to do here today. So this first one goes out to, I guess, the film we're going to be talking about, which is Zack Snyder's new thing he created.

James:

It's a movie, it's a movie.

Ryan:

He made a movie. We're going to be talking about Rebel Moon, so this one, this one goes out to Rebel Moon, and I think this will be the first and last nice thing we have to say. So cheers to Rebel Moon, cheers. Oh, that's smooth. Yeah, say what you want about old number seven. You know people, you know it's 30 bucks gets the job done. I like the taste. I don't care, but I mean if you think about like whiskey historically as a alcohol.

James:

It wasn't like like. Whiskey now doesn't resemble whiskey 100 years ago or whatever in the slightest. You know whiskey now is way less proof than what it was in the past. In the past it was way higher proof and it was always watered down like purposely.

Ryan:

Yeah, not I like. The one I did yesterday was a. That was 100 proof, if I remember right, and Jack Daniels is only a 40%, so you could get more done with it. You know you could drink longer. Yeah, our next shot, next toast, next hit what's this one? To what do you think?

James:

This one goes out to the, the poor souls who decided to jump in and watch Rebel Moon as soon as it drops, without reading any reviews. Cheers.

Ryan:

Cheers.

James:

Honestly, though, I don't have only bad things to say about this movie. There are some good parts. You know the visuals. Visuals were pretty steady.

Ryan:

Yeah, no, the visuals were a little reminded me very much of the 300. Was that Zack?

James:

Snyder Was, wasn't it, I think? I think Zack Snyder did direct 300, which would make sense, I think. I think that his style is a little static, like he has a specific style.

Ryan:

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's time for a third shot, third toast, third hit. Okay, I think people are pretty clear already. We have some very strong opinions on this film. But I have nothing against Zack Snyder. I like a few of the things he's done, so this one, let's. Let's do one to him.

James:

Yeah, here's the toast. Zack Snyder is going to need this one. Yeah, we're about to tear India. Yeah.

Ryan:

Zack, you might want to line them up too. So buckle up. And I'd like to tell the people you know listening right now that we have not jumped into this discussion already. I mean, we, we sent a few sarcastic text messages, I guess, back and forth in between. It took me two days to watch this fucking thing. So yeah, fresh discussion on it.

Ryan:

So how we do this, how we're going to do this episode at least, is we're going to break down the three parts. Our first part we're going to go into our sober thoughts. Right now, all the the herb and the alcohol are working their way into our bloodstream. Then we're going to go into our in vino veritas portion, where we're going to let the higher level of our consciousness come out, really going to talk about this fucking piece of garbage. And then we're going to end it with a what if? Scenario. We're going to throw James and myself into this movie and we're going to ask, guy, what if you were there? So going into the first thing. So, james, what are your sober thoughts? Man, rebel moons X, snyder, how do you feel about it?

James:

Okay. So, like we've already stated, visuals are pretty cool. You get a lot of great spaceship and sci fi visuals, you see, you see some aliens Pretty interesting.

Ryan:

There's that squid thing that was like fucking the bad guy.

James:

Yeah, that squid thing. I was, I was interested in the squid thing, but they also had. They kind of had that already. They did that in ant man, which also, like I've got some comparisons to draw here We'll get to that there wasn't a lot, there wasn't. I don't know if there was anything new in this film, and I think that's the part that really affected how I feel about it. How, what do you think?

Ryan:

Yeah, right off the bat. I mean you have a. I mean I thought it was like a shot for shot. Remake of Samurai seven, or what was the? The western version? Yeah, Blazing saddles, that's it.

James:

This magnificent, seven magnificent seven, magnificent seven.

Ryan:

Yeah, it was, it was. It was a shot-for-shot remake. It was a samurai seven film. Yeah, and Everith, it was the tropiest. It was the tropiest film I have seen in forever. This is a hero's journey, right, it wasn't even it.

James:

Well, yeah, sort of Kinda so someone wrote a list, like a grocery list, about the hero's journey, and then that was the movie.

Ryan:

Well, I I got five minutes into it and I was exhausted. I was absolutely exhausted because we've been through these intros 200 times. There was an episode of Mandalorian that covered the whole movie. I don't know if you ever wound up watching the series, but I watched like four episodes and they were all the same they were all I was like.

James:

I was like I've seen this episode three times already and then I couldn't watch anymore.

Ryan:

Well, yeah, no, you could watch the first episode of season, last episode of the season, then everything in between is interchangeable.

James:

But we're not here to bash great but, but it brings up a great point. That's exactly what this movie does too.

Ryan:

Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, especially because they had to do pit stops to find their seven heroes, one of whom Any of those try them any of those could have been moved around.

James:

You could have any of those scenes around and it wouldn't have mattered the one had done a damn thing.

Ryan:

Wouldn't have done a damn thing and also I felt that at least the first half of the movie that they're so. Normally in a story You're supposed to have an event, characters react to the vent. Characters make a decision and then follow the new decision. They instead Zack Snyder decided that he is going to characters see sexual assault, respond to the sexual assault and Then let the world happen because they responded to the sexual assault and that led them through like three fucking planets.

James:

I don't know. I think that's a. It was a really strange impetus for action On the part of someone who has, who had seen, you know already, horrors, right, I assume that was her like her tipping point. But man, they just really, they really just went. It was.

James:

It was like doing fetch quests in a video game video games I think this is a good analogy is that video games can be like these amazing stories, that that engage you and Immerse you in a world and activities, or they can also be like a series of fetch quests that are not immersive or engaging at all. We're just like we got to go do this thing. I'm gonna go do this thing check, check, check box, check box. You know, check my menu. Yeah, I did all the things. Okay, I guess that was the end of the quest. I could have been any part of the quest, I don't know. And you know some people say what are you talking about? This does everything you ask for in a hero's journey and it's like well, it's the things that differentiate it from the checklist that make a movie good or great.

Ryan:

Well, I was. I was after I finished it. I was reading some of the reviews just to see where we compared and I think it was like 22 on rotten tomatoes or some such that sounds about right.

Ryan:

Yeah, and but this ex-kniter, he developed sort of that following During his the DC whole thing and yeah it looks like looks like his, his boys are out in force, just sort of arguing for the film, and I saw a lot of it was so powerful and Like to be powerful. In my opinion, you have to have something to say, yeah.

James:

What is this saying? Rape rape is bad Got it.

Ryan:

Yeah, we were already clear on that.

James:

Cartoon cartoonish villainy is unacceptable. You can quote, you can quote me on that.

Ryan:

Vicious snidely whip lash. Who fucks a squid Jesus. Christ, but yeah, I'm a movie in my opinion, to be powerful you have to have something to say, and I don't know what he was trying to say there and my little last sober thought on it in, in my opinion, was what the fuck was with just the fire hose of Exposition?

James:

You know, you know the old, you know the old adage for writers tell, don't show. Yeah, it was just non stop and why, why, why would you use the visual medium when you can just have a character sit and look right into the camera and Tell you everything they're thinking and feeling?

Ryan:

and why, oh, oh my god, and you could see it in her face when she was getting ready to share her history with us. Because some that, that one dude who just, he, he just has such a punchable face.

James:

Yeah, he. He didn't deserve to be on this trip. He was like just dragged along for no reason, don't you Do? They love each other.

Ryan:

I missed it she was talking.

James:

Is it because they had a conversation like, wow, nobody's a fucking talk, so it's only two people?

Ryan:

Well, yeah, in this universe, apparently the only way people together get together is sexual assault. So him talking to her was just, and she, you know, is obviously love was gonna happen. But yeah, it was funny. I could say he's just got this really fucking punchable face. And exactly who I was talking about. He was like that in Game of Thrones too. He he was Khaleesi's man concubine, was he after the? After the actor got swapped out.

James:

Oh, that's right.

Ryan:

Yes.

James:

I was like where is this guy from All? I know is that I hate him.

Ryan:

Exactly the first dude, the first dude who played that character, khaleesi's male concubine. He played it as this super egotistical douchebag.

James:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is how, which is how I was, I really liked and he didn't like great attention.

Ryan:

It did it great, you know, but like. And then he just kind of laid back the dude who took over and who is following our lead character through Rebel moon. He's just like, like his face is constantly mansplaining, something about like he's just got this way about him and I don't know your name, man, and I know you're listening right now.

James:

His name is Michael Heisman Huy s man. I assume it's Heisman, but I don't know well, it's like no peace.

Ryan:

There's no way he was trying to look like that through this, but like he's just got this really this attitude that you really do just want to punch him Well. I don't know, and I feel, I feel bad like so. We, you know, we were looking at some movies that we want to do for the oh dude he was in the invitation and I wanted to punch him the entire time. Oh my god, he's the douchebag new guy, oh my god, you want to punch him the entire time.

Ryan:

I'm so bad. All right, michael, I apologize. I just realized that the reason we want to punch you is because in the invitation you did such a good job of being that guy that it's now ingrained in me I.

James:

What it is. I think we've we've typecast him in our head that we want a bunch of yeah, it's because the invitation invitation, though, by the way, great movie great movie. Don't ask me if it's good movie. I talked to the entire thing.

Ryan:

But awesome movie, awesome movie. If you haven't seen the invitation, go check that out. We're talking about Rebel Moon today, but if you can, go see the invitation.

James:

Sorry, hold on. That's the invitation from 2015.

Ryan:

Yes, you know, featuring the douchebag from Rebel Moon. If you've seen Rebel Moon, you know who I'm talking about. And it wasn't even sons of anarchy who betrayed them. We're talking about the dude who's like the douchebag. Well, so that's, that's a good point. So now it's time, then, for me, at least I, I'm gonna. I need another drink. I.

James:

Got to talk about this guy more. I had to Character. His character is just that he doesn't do anything. The whole story. The only thing we know about him is that he's gonna sell to the highest bidder, whatever Is. That is, that he does commerce and he's willing to do.

Ryan:

Any kind of and in the end she's like.

James:

I love you. The embodiment of the free market with no risk.

Ryan:

Well, so for those of you who Are trying to figure out where the hell we're at in the show, we have entered into our second portion of this, where, where we are accessing our drunken minds to reach a higher understanding and to really like, massage the meaning out of the fibers of Rebel Moon's muscles. So here's to that douchebag from the invitation, though I'm gonna have one more to really get there, cheers.

James:

I'm gonna supplement with some green crack concentrate.

Ryan:

I'm just going to take an extra big gulp. Eject Daniels.

James:

So yeah now. So oh, he did nothing he did nothing. You love him, you love him, don't you.

Ryan:

And the father, who was turning into sort of an interesting character, got his ass beat to death by a cave.

James:

I was like the second most interesting character in the movie. Yeah, he killed very early. The single most interesting character in the movie was the fucking robot. They abandoned, yeah, 25 minutes. I was like that character is the best fucking character in this movie. What's wrong with you?

Ryan:

No, and they are, but he.

James:

And then they came back at the I don't want to ruin the spoiler alert at the end of the movie they come back and this, this character's clearly been on a journey that I would have liked to have seen instead of this movie. The robot had like antlers on his head and you're like why are the fuck did he get antlers? What animal are they from? How is he now like making decisions about his appearance and stuff related? To humanity, a much better movie that I would rather have seen instead of the piece of garbage.

Ryan:

A much better movie ran out the barn door after after stopping a rape and just just not there, just out in the woods having a much better movie. What would have been amazing, what would have been absolutely amazing, at least if they kind of tipped the hat to that concept. If they make it back to the planet, they've gathered their heroes, they survived the betrayal. Obviously, seven people would be hopelessly outnumbered against the space Nazis. They're getting just frigging massacred. And then here comes Antler robot bounding back to the field.

James:

That you know that would be unexpected.

Ryan:

That would be the first thing in that movie that was.

James:

Yeah, you can't have anything in this movie. That's unexpected. It's a rule. Well, all right.

Ryan:

So for for the mind opening portion of it, can you give, bring anything to the table? Can we think of anything about this? Is there any praise that we could sing for this movie?

James:

You know because they like they got. They got Chimon Honsu on the cast. That was good. He's always great in every movie. He got to say like three lines of dialogue which I feel like you could have got more he was around, yeah, yeah, they had him and he was. He was like. As soon as I saw him, I was like, yeah, and then he was gone.

Ryan:

Well, and then I would say, even so, the bad guy I've seen him in something before and he's always a bad guy he has those super defined cheekbones that he has Nazi face, he has perpetual Nazi face. Yeah, he's got Nazi face. He's a great bad guy and I feel he was definitely a great choice.

James:

He's bad guy in Deadpool.

Ryan:

That's it. Yes, yes, he's got Nazi, and even I think Deadpool references something like that, when yeah, that's where I know him from he was the bad guy in the first Deadpool. Wow, he has an age today.

James:

Yeah.

Ryan:

Good for him, good for him, yeah, yeah, good for him. He's like he didn't write the script, it wasn't his fault, you know, unless we find out like behind, like they released the Snyder cut of the Snyder movie and he comes out in like the behind where they're talking about it and it's all in black and white and he's like I requested that squid scene. I. They didn't want to do it, they thought it would make an off-putting movie even more off-putting, but I insisted.

James:

I think you know the professional Nazi face and I think he, I think he's a good actor, I think I've seen him. He's a good villain. Yeah, for sure. It was a little heavy-handed with the not like okay. So I guess here's. I give it to Zack Snyder for this, even though I'd say it's very heavy-handed. Maybe the audience he's pointing toward needs a heavy-handed approach, but they were very directly Nazis in their military uniforms.

Ryan:

Oh yeah.

James:

So he was, he was. He was very much like look it, this guy's a Nazi. And then when they went to show him, he looked like when, when he wasn't in his armor, he looked like Richard Spencer. And you know it's he who is a white nationalist. He's, he was, he was. He's famous for getting punched in the face and having that memeified and remixed. My favorite one is when is when the Sonic rings come out? When he's hit?

Ryan:

Mwah chef's kiss.

James:

But he's like he's a neo-Nazi and they made him look like a, you know, a skinny black tie, white collar looking guy with that, with that high cut haircut, because they gave him a black tie. Yes, they gave him a skinny black tie.

Ryan:

Dude, that was wild when I first saw it. You're like he had the jacket off and I'm like whoa he's wearing it. What the hell it was, yeah.

James:

And then the big fight. He's fighting in a collar and a tie, which is very funny.

Ryan:

It was so bizarre. It was a wildly out of place. Yeah, I'm being taken on an adventure through space and I can't stop looking at this tie.

James:

He got transported from an office somewhere and then immediately fell into the role of Nazi because just because he was a modern day white nationalist, so that was. I found that very funny. While heavy handed, it draws a direct parallel between Nazis and the alt right, which I'm grateful for. Yes.

Ryan:

Thank you.

James:

Excited for for doing that. Yes, Nazis are bad. I think the artist, well he. So he did something that is actually fairly controversial, which is drawing a direct line between Nazis and the alt right. It's still very controversial to do that in mainstream America, and so he did it, and I'm very grateful it's very heavy handed it's very, it's not very artistic, but he did it.

Ryan:

Well, I mean, you know, I've met a lot of people I mean out in Vegas especially a lot of people there were. Education is the greatest thing in the world, and there's been more than once where I've had to explain the events of World War two. Yeah, so maybe, maybe that's what he was trying to do. Maybe you know zigzag Sniders on the other side of this microphone right now just listening on his drive, you know, to whatever he does on Christmas and tears welling in his eyes just trying to like he's just screaming back into the radio saying that I did it for people who don't know what Nazis are. They're bad.

James:

You know, maybe, maybe he did this whole movie for people who've never seen a movie before or who've never seen like an action adventure or a Star Wars or anything like that. We've never seen that before. It's like, oh, all these interesting characters, because I think this is really important what he did was he made a bunch of short clips. He made a bunch of short clips of characters introducing themselves and having their backstory explained to us and he just he just mushed all those in there in a different, in an order, you like, clipped them up and put a minister in order and all it is is just, it's like a primer, it's like a, it's like a portfolio full of superheroes is what he did. Yeah, and, and he didn't make it. The problem is you didn't make it interesting in between.

Ryan:

Not at all.

James:

It's really important that your movie also has to be interesting and not just an info dump. But I don't know if he just did this for people who've never seen movies before.

Ryan:

If that's the case, yeah, yeah. If that's the case, put a disclaimer out. God damn, you know let me know.

James:

I want this to be the first time you've ever been introduced to anything sci-fi or anything action adventure that I want you to have only watched like dramas and like the jackass movies, and that's it. And then you come to this and you're like what the fuck movie ever? They got a fucking eagle bird thing. What the fuck is going on?

Ryan:

Well, and so, sadly for me, it was originally pitched to me as a Star Wars alternative, because I'm one of the many who feel like there was a. We've brought them up twice now, but there was a meme I forget the movie, but it was Andrew Garfield where another character in the film asks him like, do you hate it? He's like yeah, no, it's complicated, and I've become one of those people where I love what Star Wars was, but I hate, loathe, what they've done to it. And so it was built to me as a haven for us where we can go enjoy a world like that again, without Disney's dick prints all over it.

James:

I think all he did when he was like Disney's not doing the right thing was like we need blood. You gotta put there's no, there's no blood in it. As long as there's blood in it, that makes it. That's what. That's where everyone's missing, right, she's put some blood.

Ryan:

Yeah, man, there's no blood when you're, when your limbs are cauterized by a laser sword dude.

James:

It's like Also, what took that woman so long to turn on her laser swords? Who was she waiting for?

Ryan:

I have no idea.

James:

When she turned on the laser swords I was like that was an option the whole time.

Ryan:

What were you doing? She was just making sure that her hat was perfectly askew. She wanted to get a scarecrow. Look, she was going for. God damn it.

James:

It's only fair if I let my enemy kick the shit out of me for a little while before I kill them the brutal shit out of me too, Like holy crap. Yeah, and I was like and that was a note I made was who? Who was this for? Does she know there's a camera following her? Does she know that we're observing? And she's like wait till they see me turn on my fucking laser swords. I was actually fighting with my hand behind my back and then she's like, and then she's like.

James:

And then she's like this is serious, this is not cool, this is not. Yeah, every who walks to me is like good job killing. This is not celebratory, and I was fighting with one hand behind my back and also fuck you for thinking this is supposed to be cool yeah.

Ryan:

Like well, why were you? Making a spectacle out of it. I.

James:

God and it's, it's that shit over and over in this movie.

Ryan:

Oh, constantly, constantly, like every character except grain counter, who just wanted to let you know he believed in the free market. They were all just waiting for their moment to be like yo check this shit out. I don't want to, you know, I don't want to say nothing, but I'm kind of a badass and oh I that. And every time it happened, every time it happened, I had to turn it off and that's why the film took me two days to finish. A two hour film took me 48 hours to get through and oh, shit.

James:

I watched it straight through. It felt about that long. Oh my God, jim, on Hansu, I think I touched you this one. So Jim, on Hansu's character is at a Coliseum. He's like a space general who's like taken over a Coliseum or some shit. They're like he's at the Coliseum, anyone who gets close to him. You got to watch out what happens. And so they like build them up and then they go to get him and they just kind of like wash him off and shave him and they're like you want to come with us? And he says yes, and it's like how do you waste a space Coliseum? What the fuck that's Chekhov's gun 101 is to be like.

James:

If you introduce anything cool, you should do something with this Like yeah, we got a space Coliseum but over here you got to look over back on the ship and tell you about how cool the Coliseum is.

Ryan:

Over here, the ex-Nazi girl who was hiding with the farmers. She has some more shit to say.

James:

What the fuck they passed my four good movies on their way to the end of this shitty one.

Ryan:

I understand that today, everyone, they just consume TikTok and YouTube. Everything's 30 seconds long, everything like that. That's fine, I get it. The world's changing. But in this new world, if you decide to make a movie, there's certain rules. All right, chekhov's gun, you know show, don't tell. Basic shit, basic shit. You know. I make way less than Zack Snyder, way fucking less. I make way less than the writers of this movie and there's basic rules that they didn't know and that just drives me crazy. That drives me fucking insane.

James:

I loved you know, and to your point, when you're saying this, this basic shit that drives you insane, the very like the last scene where they all get captured and the Nazi guy walks around and like, points at them and says here are the exploits you did, here's your name and the exploits you did, here's your name.

Ryan:

I was like, please stop. They already did this themselves. That's all it was, and all it was the whole movie was these assholes talking about how cool they were.

James:

You don't need to do it too. If they, if they'd done that like 10 minutes into this movie and then like expounded on these people like the rest of the movie I would have, that would have been a ton better. I think that would be hilarious if they turn it Okay. So I actually had this thought and I texted you. This is like okay.

James:

So I want to talk really quick about postmodernism as a concept, which I don't know if our listeners are familiar with, postmodernism and art. But what it is is that postmodernism has you assume things based on the tenants of our modern era and modernist media. So it's like so you say, someone goes on a quest, they see, they see something happen and they're affected by it because of something in their past. That is a modern trope, right? Postmodernism would say okay, we're going to take that thing and reference it in a way that enhances your experience as a viewer. And what kind of happens sometimes when people are post-modernist is that they forget the second part and they just reference the thing that you've already seen and don't enhance your experience at all.

Ryan:

Yeah, that was.

James:

And that was this entire fucking movie.

Ryan:

That was just. Yeah, that was this movie.

James:

I had a thought where it's like maybe this movie, when he was pointing at them and telling them everything they've done, I thought for a second, maybe this is a post-modern masterpiece, that is like. So I had this thought and I thought that this movie was flipping just the entire hero's journey on its head, like right at the end. I didn't understand because I was so confused by everything I'd seen. Yeah, I thought that what it was doing was making a comment about us, the viewer, and it was just like hey, you know all of these things. Nothing is surprising. I just sat for two hours and told you all of these things.

James:

I'm telling you already that could be done literally just in a checklist that we're going on and you sat and watched it and you're happy about it, but then I realized that that does not enhance your viewing in any way. He did not do anything. If it had been a comedy, if this would be a stupid excuse, less seriously, it would have been so much better.

Ryan:

Oh yeah, for sure, yeah, no, and I think there it is.

Ryan:

And with that being said, it is definitely time to move on to our third segment of this show, where we're going to go into the what ifs of Rebel Moon. This is Rebel Moon what ifs, season one. So what we're going to do now is we're going to insert ourselves. We're going to insert ourselves and or drugs and alcohol into this movie and we're going to discuss how it would have gone down just a little bit differently.

Ryan:

So, james, you've been, so you just watched like the father get his ass fucking handed to him for no reason and you're watching an interesting character and you're wondering why Interesting character Just died and which drove me. Oh, I was so pissed because I was looking at him and he's got that huge fucking beard. He's bald, but his eyes, they're like so familiar to me and I realized that he was the main character of the strain and that's where he struck me was from the strain. I was really eager to see what he's going to do next and I figured that douchebag, punchable douchebag, was just some side dude from fucking Game of Thrones. He's about to die, cool, and I'm going to get to follow this father guy as he lays down some space wisdom and then yeah, the right path is commerce, because you get to both deal with and betray Nazis when you do that.

Ryan:

Like I was so angry at that part because I was excited to see what this guy could do in, you know, in an epic sci-fi fantasy, so that really broke my heart.

James:

But anyway, we're going to kill anything interesting. I want you to know at the beginning of this movie anything interesting is going to die. Nah that's a wrap.

Ryan:

It's not happening. It's not happening. Don't even worry about it.

James:

Well, so. James you've been inserted.

Ryan:

You've been inserted, what changes immediately in this film?

James:

How does it go differently? I run off with the robot. We have a great movie together. We like learn how to survive and like we learn about how nature works, because he's a robot, right.

Ryan:

So he has to become like in touch.

James:

He's going to call this new community home. You can tell at the end that he's grown significantly as a character.

Ryan:

He's he now calls himself a new. We just missed it.

James:

He now adorns himself with a trophy, some kind of trophy from a wild animal. So he's now he's gone on a journey of personal like reflection and growth as an, as an sentient AI, and and I'm going to be along for that journey. That journey is going to be fucking dope. And then, instead of this movie, I would, I would have a great time and also, conversely, I would just turn this fucking movie into a limited series where we took an episode for each of these people so you could explain how cool they are, instead of just telling me, or maybe, maybe, just fucking flesh out your character as events unfold, allow them to react in a way that they naturally and truly would, and from there, I would have walked into the fucking Coliseum.

James:

at least I would have one foot in the fucking Coliseum that. We flew across the goddamn galaxy to look at a famous Coliseum and we're just like, oh, this guy's right outside the front, I only have to go inside. This is great. Bye.

Ryan:

I bought the ticket. I feel like I should see the show.

James:

Oh my God, and it was and it was. Another thing that makes it seem like a postmodern masterpiece is that Jimon Honsu is in gladiator. He's like in a much better movie about gladiators. He's sitting outside the gladiator God see him. And I don't know if the movie wants me to be like. Do you remember gladiator and how it had a disgraced general in it and he was a badass? Well, we should think of our guy like that guy, and we don't have to film anything. You could just assume it in your mind.

James:

You create that story in your head and I don't have to do anything, and then you care.

Ryan:

Well, so for me in the what if I had the hardest time with this? Because you would insert me and, like you know, I don't have laser swords or some shit. So what would wind up happening? You'd be commerce guy, you know. No, even worse, even worse. So you know, I'd be there, I the only thing of any note I brought is my bourbon collection and that's my weapon. And so I'm just wandering around half, you know blitz the whole time. And so she would start her exposition and I think we're like, oh, we're drunk, we're drunk, tell it, we're drunk over sharing right now. And so you would see her story acting out like the way she was talking about it, and the princess ran off and was in the woods and then all of a sudden there'd be a record skip and, like you know, you think that's fucking bad.

Ryan:

You think that's bad and I'm just drinking my bourbon going like yo my house foreclosed, you know, you have no fucking idea how bad it gets out here. And I would just be, I would just be over sharing back at her because I thought we're all drunk and we're just over sharing, and so that's how the movie would change with me and the second thing that would happen. So I'd be cutting off all their stories just to overshare myself. And then as things like oh you do, you have no fucking idea.

James:

I was at this one girl once he's telling a story about some massive battle to change the fate of the universe. He doesn't get to say anything because you have a boring story to tell. I just cut him off this movie, you would fit right in with this movie.

Ryan:

I'm like, do it one time man. Like like, oh, it was the worst winner ever. I couldn't make any fucking money. The bank took my car and then, during, during the big fight, the camera would keep recognizing that I could not take my attention off of the Nazis tie. You know, I have my my glass out and I'm just like you know, I'm just watching the tie. Through the fight I just saw a hippogriff.

James:

What are you wearing? I'm wearing a hippogriff scene. Fuck, you had me so furious. I was like they literally took two scenes from Harry Potter where he meets a hippogriff and where he rides a dragon, and they just, they just took those scenes and put them directly into this movie. It was wild.

Ryan:

So and so after I'm just like so they get caught because I'm not helping, I just I'm fixating on his tie and he's, he's walking down the line pointing at them saying you did this, this, this, and I'm like dude, that's like fucking nothing, man, you know, you got no idea what I.

James:

When you're strapped to the death chair.

Ryan:

Yeah, I'm strapped to the death chair. I've just been fucking wasted this whole movie gone to. That's nothing, man, all right.

James:

That would be a better movie.

Ryan:

I was at Ozfest once right and static ex came out, fucking blew my mind and that would be, and I'd get killed at that point right there. He'd stab me in the stomach Just so he could finish his exposition. And yeah, I think that's that, that's my what, if at least You'd, you'd you'd interrupt, so they did.

James:

I think what they were doing, which is this is not how you make a movie I wish that was what I could convey with all of this is this is not how you should make a movie. What they were doing is Plant and payoff, but they had no payoff and then their planting wasn't even that good. Their planting was the most blatant, least artistic. It's like when you're like, hey, we need to get some new bowls for a house. And it's like like gray Play, like no art, like it, like Any semblance that humanity was involved in any step. It's like the most functional bull. Yeah, that's what this is.

Ryan:

It was like you if chatbot wrote a sci-fi fantasy.

James:

Yeah, it was just like and then they go to the planet and they meet this man and this man is like this, and then they leave that place and they go to meet this woman and it's and and they tried to plant things, but the way they planted them was they just told you we are planting this. This is a piece of information that you should understand. This is the next piece of information, and and there was no payoff, and I assume they're. They want us to think oh, this is part one, I can't wait to see the payoff in part two. And it's like no, people are not like that.

Ryan:

I don't get. People are not.

James:

I, I, I'm not like, oh, I can't wait two years to see if if they actually do anything with G-man on Sue in this series.

Ryan:

Now, I don't care now.

James:

I couldn't give a shit. I Hope they all die. It would have been amazing if one of them died just to do anything unexpected in that hippogriff scene. There's like a scene where he like gets knocked off and then he has to like run and leap off the cliff and Grab onto the hippogriff and there was no doubt in anyone's mind that you know going to succeed. I would have loved for. And he like his head gets fucking you cracked on a rock.

Ryan:

I would be, if that happened, edge of my seat, edge of my fucking seat. I would be like, oh my, you were playing me. You were playing me this whole time. You.

James:

The whole tone changes now that they're fucking slaves on this outpost. It turns into like a horror movie when where they're like the fucking Texas chainsaw family and they've got them chained up.

Ryan:

That would be a movie. But you, I would have to explain, to like people like yeah, okay, trust me, trust me, make the beginnings dumb, the beginnings dumb, but it's all for a reason. I'd be that crazy. I'd be that crazy guy, yeah, yo, oh my god. Well, any final what ifs?

James:

Let me, let me look through my notes here to see what else I would change. Let's see, oh, also that scene where blood acts of the sheared metal through the windshield of the straight out avatar. I got a shot. The shot, the angle, everything. Totally just take a straight rep I. Let's see. My last note is my last note that I wrote was just I hate this movie.

Ryan:

And that is a perfect place. So there you have it, folks. Thank you for joining our Rebel moon batch podcast. I Just gotta let you listeners know that we picked several movies. We went in blind. We were really excited to see rebel moon. You know we want to see positive shit, but there was nothing positive to say about this piece of shit.

James:

We were like you're like, oh man, I heard that he got some, like he got around the Star Wars pad and he was able to make it different enough. This is like exactly what we wanted. That's. That's the mindset we went into this.

Ryan:

That's how I pitched it. That is how I pitched it.

James:

Yeah, the first scene Another good thing to say that first scene where she's like on the planet working the the the field with the horse and they're not saying anything. Right, she's using the plow, she's pulling the rock out of the path. I was like, oh damn, this movie is already good. Like like this is like Good shot, like giving us some information about the character. And that was the last time that happened.

Ryan:

The last time you learned about her through her actions fucking hell. Yeah, the last time you learned about her through her actions. The only other things that you learn through her actions is that she is willing to walk away from a Currently occurring sexual assault for about 360 seconds, but After that, though she wish she will, she will kill everybody. That's. That's all we learned about her.

James:

There was also in that scene. There were people just sitting at tables in the background. Did you notice that? Did?

Ryan:

you notice that people just sitting around.

James:

Yeah, just chillin while this gunfight was happening. I, I don't know. It happened at the bar scene too.

Ryan:

Well, I think the most bizarre thing was the rape has been stopped, everyone's dead and the entire assembled town Marches in the next second, like they were. Just wait, like they gab. They have a gathering place To wait for potential rapes to end and then they walk in.

James:

They heard a gun battle and then we're like all the gunfire has stopped as far as we know. Let's all walk toward it now.

Ryan:

I like when, when the whole town marched in. I thought this thing was directed by Mel Brooks.

James:

No, brooks would have made this very fun. He made.

Ryan:

Like that's what the fuck is this Dracula dead and loving. It was so weird. Well, there you have it, folks. Yeah, we hate this movie, but we're not a podcast about hating movies. It was just a bad movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, well we our last movie.

James:

we enjoyed, we love that, oh yeah.

Ryan:

Yeah, yeah yeah we enjoyed the one. Yeah, we had a lot to see if you listen. If you're listening to this one, hopefully listen to the last one, where we're equal opportunity around here. So, all right, everybody don't just hate movies.

James:

It's gonna go back and forth, I bet.

Ryan:

Yeah, I think so too. All right, everybody. Thanks for listening. This is high and dry podcast. Bye I.

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Ryan Baron North

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